It has been a few months since I have posted. I have been pretty busy with a lot of things. Some good, some, yeah well….not so.

A couple of weeks ago an old man, a neighbor who walks by, well he walks everywhere, stopped and knocked on my door and asked to use the phone. My boyfriend wasn’t home, he was still at work and due home any minute. Can you already guess where this is going?

I let the old man in and give him the phone, then on second thought, I decide to open the front door and ask him to step just outside the door to make his call. The car pulls up at that moment.
My boyfriend storms past us ignoring my attempt to hug and kiss him in greeting. As I follow him down the hallway, all hell breaks loose. He hits me upside the head and then grabs me violently by the shoulders and throws me down on the bed. He puts both hands around my throat and starts to choke and shake me simultaneously, while screaming at me about how I am such a whore and I will never ever get a key to the house. ( I have lived here for a year and he won’t give me a key to get in.) After a few horrible minutes he loosens his grip on my throat and gets up, hitting me a couple good hard times on my back and bottom.

The old man was still at the door on the phone making his call, the entire time.

After more yelling, and me trying to explain that the man was just using the phone, my boyfriend storms away toward the front of the house. The old man thanks him, hands him the phone, and leaves.

I spent two days in hell, arguing and defending myself, only to eventually find out that my boyfriend knew that nothing happened by the way the man stayed around and calmly handed him the phone, he just wanted to teach me a lesson.

Life’s like that for me, all the time.

I am in a relationship that is volatile. I am somewhat dependant on this man, for a make very little money and what little I do get, half goes to child support, because of two other abusive men I was in a relationship with who both have sued ,me even though I am broke. They have even told me that they did it because they want to make sure I can never have anything.

Life’s like that for me.

So I am here, working hard and trying to better myself, writing and trying to be strong. I had to file my back taxes myself, which was quite an event when it came to collecting old W-2’s, so that I could them apply for a Pell Grant on this old, slow ass lap top that I am so grateful for. Then I saved up some money from my unemployment checks, and used that to pay for the application fees at BCC, and then more fees for the Cosmetology program. I got in, but now, I have to go through a background check, drug screen, physical and hep B vaccine, and pay for all that myself. Then I will have to explain my past to the committee and pray I get approved despite my past.

Orientation was yesterday, and instead of being supportive, my loving man started another huge fight. this one is one we have often. The topic? I don’t fuck him enough. His words, not mine. Here’s some more of his words: “All women are good for is sucking my dick, fuckin it and spending my money.”

He doesn’t spend any money on me. I pay for everything I want. He still pays the same bills he was paying when I moved in.

Okay, I know you are thinking “why the hell does she stay there?” and I can tell you this; it’s not ALWAYS like this. He has these really extreme mood swings that turn him into a monster, it lasts for two to four days and then he’s good for maybe a week untill it happens again. It’s a man period.

It seems to come on whenever I don’t want to have sex for like, a day.

You see, he has to have it, he says, everyday. And once he gets it, it’s only about an hour before he wants it again, and it goes on, and on, and on. I try to comply but sometimes, well c’mon man, I am 42 years old and I DON”T WANNA DO IT every day, a couple of times a day. And my friends….this is where is all falls apart.

Once I don’t want to do it, or even if I agree to do it and don’t seem like I am into it enough, he gets his period. Is it possible that his sex drive is making him nuts? Because no matter how many times we do it, he can rise to the occasion moments later, and repeat, and repeat…

He also wants more than that, he wants everything you can think of sexually, and it last for a really,  really long time. The truth is, I feel like that’s all I am here for.

I keep an immaculate house. I cook, clean, garden and work. I have no social life whatsoever. I don’t go out. My only time away is my morning 3 mile jog, and each and every day he calls and texts me on that jog, accusing me of being out of breath because I am giving some other guy a blow job.

I had to write this. There is no one I can tell. It’s just me here, alone and hurting, and now you.

Sorry…but I bet there is someone out there who can relate.